Howlers

These have nothing to do with Neocats, but are doing the rounds at the moment – just Google for “unsympathetic Genitals” and you might find more. At least some of them have been extracted from Must Try Harder! The Very Worst Howlers By Schoolchildren, by Norman McGreevy, published by Constable.


It is alleged that the following statements were written by children; they have not been retouched or corrected and spelling has been left uncorrected.

  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  • Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
  • The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines (or Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers).
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
  • It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
  • The Papal bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to trample on Protestants.
  • The Philistines are islands in the Pacific.
  • The end of the world will make a turning point in everyone’s life.
  • The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
  • Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from the Vatican.

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